Eve’s Eyes

• In response to prompt #5 of the newly opened We Write Poems, this is a surrealistic poem I created using a technique of creative omission called erasure. I am generally not a fan of fashioning a poem to or from a form or device — but this was interesting. The original poem I “mined” was entitled “Pointed Roofs”, by Dorothy Miller Richardson. You might find it interesting to compare Dorothy’s piece with my finished piece…



Eve’s Eyes

•

plentiful
the long faces

the girls
numerous
brought the sense of misery

the girls
nervous
were part of the remuneration

the very first
eve
playing a melody

swollen
her fingers weak
unexpectedly stiffened
her trembling hands
dreadful

she stood
angry

stupid people
had made her play

her discomfiture forgotten
she simply poked the piano

almost unrecognizable
she played with burning eyes

thumping
and thumping again
she played afresh
laughed into the air
back to the wall
behind the piano

• • •

rob kistner © 2010

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…the painting above is entitled “HOMAGE for GILLES CARLE”, by: Estelle St-Pierre

15 thoughts on “Eve’s Eyes”

    1. As I was deconstructing the original piece Barbara, a vision formed of underworld, speakeasy, ladies of the evening, and a single defiant dame named eve — the remuneration concept seemed to fall comfortably into that… 😉

  1. Loved this, Rob.

    The centering of the words worked well, as did the image above. Amazing prompt and exercise; we all worked on the same words, yet we managed to cull completely different words and emotions from that work. Angie ROCKS prompts!

    1. Thank you Amy — as I responded to Derrick, center layout, no caps, no punctuation, sparse content (whenever possible) is my primary thing — but not always…

      And I loved the paintings of Estelle St-Pierre, especially the eyes… 😉

  2. Rob, this was fantastic! You’re the first one I’ve read, and I’m anxious to read all the others…you definitely had a different take, and I’m smitten. Thanks!

  3. It seems to me that you erased enough of the words to distill a final result, which still conveys the conflict inside the young woman and retains the original story — except for your ending, a creative twist. I really like what you did with this prompt.

    -Nicole

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