…I share this piece I wrote in the descending 3rd evening, of a horrible 4 days, not as my primary contribution to day 3 of National Poetry Month, but in light of the RWP topic “fear” — as a way to reach out to others who may, at times, suffer the debilitating horror of extreme manic depression. This ‘elevator’ can take you so very high, but when it falls… however, it can be overcome if one recognizes it, faces it, and refuses — everyday — to give it victory…
•
there is a darkness
I have known its presence
encountered its essence
it frightens me
it frightens me because it is
because it is so very devious
sinister
debilitating
all-consuming if granted license
it lurks in shadow
collecting
collecting the dark matter
that steals into my life
into my heart
all the grief
failure
pain
all the terror
that has ensnared me in times of weakness
all the empty blackness that has befallen me
that has found a corner of my soul in which to hide
to sulk
secure foothold
like an awful seed taking root
here it grows
here it dwells
manacled and restrained in times of strength
kept in check by my decent self
my self that loves
encourages
supports
that embraces possibility
my sacred self that nurtures
that fosters empowerment
but
my inner-dwelling light
does not always shine so bright
does not always hold sway
nor control my inner darkness
my inner darkness has great cunning
powerful influence
it is at times quite un-containable
this darkness
that has fed upon the horror
that has been visited upon me
the betrayal the abuse
the unthinkable loss
that has compounded and festered
that has become animate
as if an entity unto itself
that has gripped and driven me
distraught
despaired
vengeful
unforgiving
driven me to a perverse unholy bitterness
wholly unable
to fend off the clutches of this malevolence
it is on occasion far easier
even desirable
to succumb to these dark forces
that promise relief
falsely entice with imagined satisfaction
but there is no quick release from the pain
from the sorrow
that is an inherent component of life
one must endure
and be tempered invincible by this endurance
steadfast in the crucible of resistance
but the inner-mounting darkness
will ever seduce
its tug is powerful
I pray here tonight
as I am swept up
in bittersweet memory of you
overwhelmed by the sorrow of loss
I pray that the darkness
does not sense that I am vulnerable
does not prey upon my growing distress
that falls shadow-like across my soul
that veils my resolve
my courage
I pray that the black void
does not birth the despair
the anger that begets my other
my alter
my poison self
that I so detest
…and fear
• • •
rob kistner © 2010
That was very much from the gut. Quite moving. Thank you.
Love the phrase, “my poison self.” I think it describes the idea of the “shadow” we each possess quite nicely!
hello i am so glad you shared those thoughts…. this pretty much sez it all for me
“…I pray that the darkness
does not sense that I am vulnerable
does not prey upon my growing distress
that falls shadow-like across my soul
that veils my resolve
my courage…”
i will hold onto this when i am empty filled w/fear…
in posse
This was wonderful. It inspires me to be a better writer myself, not only for the quality and wonderful vocabulary, then because of how heartfelt it is.
Thank you for this poem.
Hi, Rob. Raw, compellingly honest. “my poison self” is superb…but always outclassed by the potential self, the pure self, the passionate self. Solidarity. =)
Rob, Wow. Your pain is palpable. People very close to me have this illness. You describe so vividly the battle of wills between the”poison self” and the “decent self”-a battle that seems to always be standing by waiting for its opportunity.