“I already wrote an original poem about my ‘night terrors’, entitled “In Darkness”, for Laura Bloomsbury’s September 10th ‘Making Much of Madness’ prompt, but this past piece was so on the prompt, I wanted to include it. I had posted a new revision of this poem for Laura’s prompt, but it wasn’t as positive — so I took it down.”
slinking
in the corridors of my mind
it frightens me
because it is me
the uncertain me
in the ruthless grip
of the devious unknown
it lurks in shadow
collecting the dark matter
that steals into my days
bleeds into my nights
that ensnares me
in times of weakness
it seeks to find
a corner of my soul
in which to hide
to sulk
to secure a foothold
this awful seed of depression
endeavoring to take root
to grow
seldom does it sustain foothold
for now
restrained
kept at bay
by my inner-dwelling light
which still has purchase
that thankfully
still seems to hold sway
over my inner darkness
violence in check
this darkness
has great cunning
but I still find light enough
to stem
the pitch black
the dark demons within
the ones that strike out
that belittle
and dress down others
that easily find fault
criticize
insult
driven by my pain
my anguish
my angry insecurity
but I will always seek the light
and the meds
so by and large
my demons are controlled
pray they always remain so
rob kistner © 2019
Tuesday Poetics: Making much of Madness
dVerse Poetics: The Art of Confession in Poetry
Depression is a demon to fight; so glad you “still find light enough to stem the pitch black” (and found helpful meds).
I had an extremely rough childhood and the depression has been with me since my youth. i was an honor student with an very hi IQ, but depressed and very angry – always fighting. Took the love and understanding of a man who adopted me, a lot of personal introspection snd healing to get over the fury and scars… the meds keep me balanced Lynn…
Poignant look at the demons that dwell within many of us.. This genre allows us to see that we are not alone. Thank you Rob for this little window into your world.
You are welcome Violet. I almost didn’t post for this prompt, but after mulling it over, I came up with this highly edited version which does offer a peak through thevwindow, but does not include the childhood years of trauma…
You poor baby. I’m right there with you.
This is my favorite part, by the way:
“this darkness
has great cunning
but I still find light enough
to stem
the pitch black”
Glad that resonated for you LC. And the pitch black is terrifying!
I think we all have those demons lurking. So well done Rob.
Thsnk you very much Linda! May we all keep them restrained…
Keep seeking the light, and if needed, the meds! A relatable poem to everyone honest.
I do Mary, I do – for the love of myself and everyone in my life! 🙂
It is good to keep the “inner-dwelling light” healthy.
It is absolutely essential Frank!
A deep description on the darkness we all fight. Great to read the lines about light woven in your words.
Finding and refinding the light has been, for nearly 72 years, my life’s focus – and will continue to be!
Keeping demons at bay is one of the worst parts… there is always that little darkness.
I heard a comment the other day… the luckiest people are usually the pessimist because they always get a positive surprises.
Bjorn, I have a little plaque on my bookshelf thar says. “It’s wise to be a pessimist because you’re never wrong. And when you are, what a nice surprise!” I been fighting demons since a bitter childhood, but I keep fighting, and will until!
That you bravely face the darkness within you is a testament to your courage and inner light. I tip my hat to you
Thank you Barry, but it took years of fight and struggle to first understand, then recognize, then get that damned pitch black underfoot.
Very nice Rob, You have bared your soul and your inner demons that would bring you down if it were not for that light shining into your soul, dispelling all of them. Well done!
I didn’t do it alone Dwight. Some wonderful people over a lot of years, starting with a remarkable man who adopted me out of the orphanage, and stood by me through black and blue and bloody as I was dealing with a lot of anger. He was the rock upon which I eventually built a fine life, and learned how to maintain it!
Honest, refreshing and well crafted
Thank you Sabio!
Like the honesty in this Rob, well crafted too….keep moving towards the light! JIM
Thank you Jim, and everyday I do – and on the days I don’t, I do anyway!
Personal, honest and raw, Rob. Your comments always seem upbeat and hopeful, showing little indication of any underlying depression. Hurrah for meds! Elsewhere you used the phrase “Goodness is better than feigned piety”. I so agree. Keep following your light. You wear it well!
Thank you Bev. I have had years of dealing with my anger and bipolar depression. I manage it the way I manage my diabetes and my heart disease, one day at a time. Its all about staying alive, physically and emotionally. My doctors worked with me for a long time to work out my meds, and I am thankful. My mind is very strong, it fires like a freight train. It used to explode.
It is tough to fight that seed of depression. I hope the meds and the light will help you drive those demons away or keep them at bay.
I am almost 72 Grace. This has been my entire conscious life. I have an unusually high IQ and I had ADD before they had an understanding of it. Abuse, high intellect, ADD, bipolar – it is a cocktail for disaster. Grade school was a nightmare for me and my teachers. The man who adopted me, snd a grade school teacher, who became my advocate, saved me. I was always so frustrated, and angry, fighting school all the time, acting out in class, and yet I got all A’s and B’s on my report card because I remembered almost eveything that was said in the classroom – when I was psying attention. I also grilled mt teachers with questions… anyway, I had a roller coaster of a youth.
It’s a constant and unpredictable battle. I’m glad the light is winning.
I am well trained and well armed in the battle – and lots of years fighting Kerfe. Gets exhausting sometimes, but I choose to be successful.
You are a Warrior for Your Right to Light. After 72 years you’re very good at it. I enjoyed your poem but sorrowful that the battle continues for you.
There is not a cure for the neural biological aspects of bipolar, but there is very effective management. I liken it to my diabetes, or my arterial sclerosis – no cure, but very effective management regimens. If you maintain diligent to the regimens, then life is good. If you don’t, you are screwed, because there is no middle ground with these three conditions I have mentioned here. But I have managed my conditions for decades, so I am very good at it. It is for me, like eating, and bathing and getting dressed… you just do it. You need not feel sorrowful for me Jade, but I appreciate your caring.
p.s. I read last night where you said you were going to skip the prompt. I’m very happy you changed your mind.
After all these years Jade, I am comfortable talking about my Bipolar 2 condition in “known” environments, because it doesn’t embarrass me. But after all these years I have learned, some people who do not understand it, can become upset, and suddenly look at you different, or things become uncomfortable between myself and them. I don’t know most of the people now on dVerse, the way I knew the people years ago on Poetry Thursday, or Read Write Poem, or my Writer’s Island site… or even the people from the original dVerse site – so I was just going to pass it by. But then I realized that I was hiding, and opted not to. I thought, if people can see that someone with Bipolar disorder can write logically, comment intelligibly, and be essentially normal, then I am being an advocate. So I wrote a very real, but very contained piece.
This is incredibly powerful! I love the way you draw us in and offer a glimpse of depression. I have been there and it’s not easy.. especially like and resonate with:” “it lurks in shadow collecting the dark matter that steals into my days bleeds into my nights that ensnares me in times of weakness.” I feel honored that you shared with us.
PS: Thank you for the lovely comment 🙂 you are an awesome Poet too!
Thank you Sanaa. I am pleased this resonated for you…
Ah, you bring to “light” what it is like to live with depression — your metaphors and thoughts stem from the lived experiences in a powerful manner. And I’m glad that you mentioned both the internal light as well as medicines to guide you through it. It is important to understand that since mental illnesees and disorders and the treatments available still don’t get the kind of acknowledgment that they require.
Thank you HA, I was hesitant to post this but glad that I did.
You write so personably of such a personal issue, I liked your play on dark matter/the mind in keeping with your theme. Keep seeking the light Rob.
It’s my reality Catherine, so I simply write what I know. I will always seek the light.
Powerful prose to share your inner demon … so glad you have all the coping tools! You are a far stronger and kinder gent for the experience
Thank you Kate…! 🙂
Rob, your light is very bright and there is no place for the shadows to hide for long in that brightness. I do connect with the darkness more than it is probably safe to admit. Part of it is very old but some jumped on board over the last decade and doesn’t want to leave. I appreciate you being honest and vulnerable. That last bit sounds a little scary, like there’s a lock on the cage that nobody had better try to open.
Thank you Lisa. I pray I have my demons at bay. I am diligent and vigilant.