”God forgave me, figured I ought to too” — Johnny Cash
Original DDE™ art: “I Messed Up” by: rob kistner © 1/13/26
—-<§>—-
I chased the higher star
like it should be my witness
my validation
wanted the climb to prove
I was wiser—
that I was better—
that I was correct
even though my apologies
wore polished shoes
they had holes in the souls
I said
forgive me
but built a staircase into the words
so I could stand a step higher
when you looked back
I embraced it as maturity
but it was armor
protecting my ego–
saving my face
it was in fact
a prison—
a prison of arrogance
there were times
I wasn’t sorry—
not for the wound
only for how
it made me look
times I confused clarity
with being right
and mercy
with winning—
quietly
…but winning nonetheless
owning this
hurts more
than any fall from Grace
that ever put me in my place—
exposing my “raw”
I was blind to your pain
because I only saw this
from my side—from my pride
I have finally learned
but you have been burned
I know now
the higher star
is not a place afar—
not a summit
it is the courage
to kneel in the dust
— and say —
without defense
I was wrong
my friend
please forgive me
all my brothers
all my sisters
to whom I’ve been so foolish—
I am so — so sorry
<~>
rob kistner © 1/13/26
Fine, heartfelt apologies. Great write, Rob.
Thank you, my brother. I appreciate it. Hope things are going well for you now Ron! Guess we’re both on the run from that little bastard called old age — me more than you. I always like to see when you visited my site here. Thanks my friend… 🙂
Thank you so much Ron. I used this cathartically. I used reflections of my life, and all the apologies I never made, but should have, as the inspiration. The initial inspiration was an interview with Johnny shortly before he died, in which he voiced his life’s regrets, and how they proved to be people, far more than any things or events. He was trying to forgive himself, because he truly felt the regret.
Rob, your honesty and humility are heartfelt here. I hope those sentiments travel as healing rays of light to every person you are writing this to.
Thank you Lisa. I would only hope that would somehow be the outcome.
I love these lines, the internal rhyme and the play on the word ‘soles’ in these lines, Rob:
‘even though my apologies
wore polished shoes
they had holes in the souls’.
Sometimes it’s hard to say sorry, but it does cleanse the soul, even one with a hole.
Hi Kim, I appreciate your kind words always always. Am glad you caught the souls spelling. I didn’t want people to think that I don’t know how to spell shoe soul SOLES but as you astutely realize I was talking about the human soul. And yes, it’s really hard to say I’m sorry because we have to admit, frailty and vulnerability — and that others often know better than we do or have the more correct answer that’s pride.
Rob, your sincerity and humbleness in this one is felt. Often there are words we wish we had spoken. I’m sorry and I was wrong are words that are hard to say as the ego does seem to get in the way sometimes.
Always reaching for the higher star perhaps, that star resides inside of us. Just pondering.
Peace & Light
Hi True… 🙂 Thank you my friend. Admitting that we are weak and flawed and don’t always do the right thing or have the right answer, those are realities that are extremely difficult thing for humans to acknowledge. Stems a natural place of self survival. From ancient times, and from the time we were born as a child and thrown into a human pack. I invite you to read my response to Melissa Lemay’s comment above. Hope all is well with you True! 😉
“there were times
I wasn’t sorry—
not for the wound
only for how
it made me look”
I think this is often the case with apologies. They are said out of guilt, shame, or embarrassment. Sure, the apology can be beneficial to all parties involved. Awareness and a desire to change are pivotal.
Certainly Melissa, these feelings likely drive the initial motion to say “I am sorry” — but hopefully, even from these beginnings, true remorse can bloom.
Hi Melissa, since ancient times we’ve been programmed for self-survival — putting our “self” first. Ig is our protection and safety within the human pack. It takes maturity to learn empathy. Selfish is still strong in us as children, though it isn’t recognized for precisely what it is — “survival of the self”. Empathy is truly not immediately a given trait in human beings. Must be learned.
This is very poignant… but I just wonder how the person on the receiving end felt… it could have been too late.
Thank you Björn. I would say it usually is too late, or frequently too late which adds to the depth of the regret. We all often do things without thinking about their impact — way too many times… until it’s too late to ever make amends: time – space – death… all instrumental.
These lines were my favorite (although I am smitten with the entire write):
“even though my apologies
wore polished shoes
they had holes in the souls”
I do believe sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to forgive oneself.
Miss you at our dVerse LIVE sessions. Maybe you’ll join us Saturday? I’m hosting from San Diego so I may be in my pajamas since it will be 7 AM rather than 10 AM in Boston!
Thank you Lil! I believe it is the hardest thing to do, because we cannot escape our own scrutiny — because you cannot escape yourself. No matter where you go there you are. I will try to get there Saturday. Mornings can be a beast for me — but…
Self-knowledge is good, when it finally arrives.
Takes awhile risemary… 🙂
I can see my teen self wanting to write this, yet not mature enough to be able to. Likewise, I can see many of my students wanting to write this, lacking that maturity, too. I think we first need to forgive ourselves.
Hi Shaun! 🙂 The possibility of being foolish and arrogant never leaves our realm of capability — but with age, experience, and hopefully wisdom, the probability diminishes. i
Learning to forgive others was relatively easy for me. Forgiving myself is another story. Your amazing poem makes that perfectly clear.
It sure as hell is Helen… :(8