“Original version of this poem posted here on October 25th as “Come February”. It was in the 1st person. Rewriting this one in 3rd person, from my perspective, shifts the essence from feeling personally sad to feeling empathy for another.”
wishing wishes
for those days
when life made sense
thinking thoughts
that tear at him
for the things
he failed to be
how he does desire
the damp dreary days
of february
when his forlorned
fallen face
is commonplace
when no one intrudes
to question
what’s the matter
when they see
the tears he cries
there come no why’s
because all around
are caught up in the blues
oh if only
she could find it
in her heart
to forgive
this sadly lost
and broken man
who much too late
understands
he was a fool
and in his sorrow
understands
love will not stir
but how he wishes
ill-tempered weather
would occur
to drive the joyful
all around him
to indoor spaces
so he’d be spared
the pain
of smiling faces
and the bitter
bitter memory
of losing her
Yes.. I agree it totally changes the sense… in this one we can share a compassion for the poor man, in first person you are begging for compassion… I think this is something we can do also when writing about ourselves to join the reader in observing ourselves from the outside.
Goes from self-centered to altruistic.
Oddly, the third person resonates more with who you are, or seem to be, than the first person. Yes, it is empathy that rises with the reading, not pity or just sadness.
Certainly elements of who I try to be Glenn…
The regret seems more acute but at the same time more the intensity more tolerable when another degree away from it.
I agree Lisa. The poem puts on a different face.
Oh the sadness of spilt milk. This is well written with regret laced through the entire poem.
It’s heartbreak, sloppy painful heartbreak!
I really love the new title and sure wish I could cheer this guy up … but he’s averse to smiles, so it wouldn’t work, I suppose. I do hope he finds healing.
I am certain he will Lily. I imagine he is resilient!
I felt his pain through your words Rob whether it was you or the third person telling this sad story.
Glad it workef for you Christine.
I agree with Bjorn and Glenn, especially about sharing compassion, and this version does reflect more of you.
I am glad Kim…! 🙂
This is just as good as the original, but I think the first person offers an intimacy that brings out the pain in a way that this does not.
Thank you Ken. I agree. The first person makes the pain personal, and as such, more accute. But this 3rd person write makes it about empathy for another, so the pain cannot be felt do accutely.
The alliteration helps it flow poetically and the remorse feels real!