In recent months I have been in the very capable care of the Evergreen Neurosciences Institute, waging battle against the challenges of failing memory. I do not plan to go quietly into that empty darkness. I am raging against the fading of my identity. As the challenges increase, so does my determination. I wrote this poem as a response to my situation. It is also a promise to myself that I will never put down the fight.
Original DDE™ surrealistic art: “Fate’s Fickle Festival” by: rob kistner © 1/27/24
Feel at times I’m wandering mindlessly
through fate’s frantic fickle festival
clinging to the worn trappings
of what was once some grand illusion
marching to the staggered cadence
of some fading fool’s parade
concerned I might be slipping
into a dangerous delusion
the matter of the white matter
sees my social skills degrade
still I plan to hold to center
maintaining dignity where I may
at times it seems unclear
if it’s futile to sustain
in those moments of the “empty”
when I lose focus on the way
Original DDE™ surrealistic art: “Dreams of Frail Wonderland”
by: rob kistner © 1/27/24
drifting in shifting dreams
as in a frail wonderland
not always understanding
though inside I know I must
ignoring growing evidence
that more memories have gone
untangling threads of life
carefully brushing away the dust
still I look into the future
and every new day I try
to bring joy and to move forward
as will I do until I die
marching onward to that cadence
‘cause it’s my sweet fool’s parade
I will continue building memories
even as those memories fade
Original DDE™ surrealistic art: “Fool’s Parade”
by: rob kistner © 1/27/24
when that final sundown comes my love
I’ll not be lost in darkness, nor be alone
you’ve made life brighter that the sun
you are my light — you are my home
*
rob kistner © 2024
Poetry at: dVerse
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Lovely! I like the musicality of this, and also the message about continuing to enjoy to the full whatever life offers.
Thank you Rosemary. 🙂 I have been dealing with memory issues with the Evergreen Neurosciences Institute for better part of a year now. Felt I wanted. To put my thoughts into words.
A wonderful poem as ever Rob. I still get memory issues form a concussion in 2014 – although now perhaps I should blame it on encroaching old age!
Memory lane can certainly have potholes Kim… 😉
Ah Rob…..if it’s any consolation at all, your words show no sign of decline or memory loss in terms of writing about emotions, following prompts, and sharing your genius with us…yes, genius. Creative genius from so many gifts you have. Take care dear friend, and keep writing!
It’s not the big picture that’s growing faint quite yet. Lil but lots of little things that make the day. Frustrating as hell but I just keep moving forward. Keep riding keep creating my little art pieces. That helps in many ways although I wish I could continue doing my mixed media serenity Totems, but the arthritis in my hands is made that impossible. I truly appreciate you refer to me or my ability as genius that I understand what you mean it’s so feels like an affliction I get into it and lose track where I’m at but I think that also has to do with the fact that I’m having some neurological issues. But I’m fine And I keep going. I appreciate you commiserating with me my friend. 🙂
I second Lillian’s comment! Genius indeed!
Much love,
David
Thank you so much David… 🙂
Actually with the images I feel that your life is full of color and joy… maybe some of the memories lost were not really that nice keeping.
Given, I’ve forgotten the number of things I couldn’t come in on whether they were good or bad — they’re just gone. 😐
Rob, I never took you to be a quitter. I hope you get a chance to visit your favorite places in nature. Guarantee the memories will come flooding back.
No Lisa, I never will be a quitter, but it does get damn frustrating sometimes. 🙂
Oh Rob, I’m glad you are getting help and pleased that you are raging against the fading of your identity. My mother wandered mindlessly ‘through fate’s frantic fickle festival’ for some years before her ‘social skills degraded’. Keep writing – it keeps the brain working. I do know what it’s like, ‘drifting in shifting dreams / as in a frail wonderland’; I have those moments too.
Yes, for certain Kim, growing old is not for the faint of heart. 🙂
“at times it seems unclear
if it’s futile to sustain
in those moments of the “empty”
when I lose focus on the way”
This resonates deeply with me.
It is so damn frustrating sometimes Melissa, but I just keep moving forward. Things seem to straighten out. 🙂
March on and enjoy what life gives you. Your art images are fantastic.
I always will keep moving forward, Grace, and thank you for the compliment on my art. ::)
Wonderful poem, and I love your determination and that you are including Art and writing into how you are dealing with your situation.
Thank you Oloriel… 🙂
I say march on in the parade of life. Enjoy each moment whether big or small. Your poetry is still amazing and your words flow flawlessly. You need to sing to your own tune….let the parade commence.
How are you my friend? I have missed reading your poetry.
I am good True, thank you for asking. Always a pleasure when you visit my friend. 🙂
May each new memory you make bring joy, even if it’s only for a short time. You do live life to the fullest, and I admire you, and adore your poetry.
I’m making life as big as I can, Sara big as I can — don’t know any other way to live life. Thank you so very much my friend for the extremely kind words I appreciate them. 🙂
you have made me cry with this. the images and poem so well matched. Then the Larkin Poe song at the end which I found after my wife’s nan passed from dementia. keep up the writing
Thank you Rog, so pleased this touched you my friend… 🙂
Your candor is to be celebrated. No hiding under a bushel ~~ YOU! At 82, I find there are events way way back I have no clear memory of. My sisters do and I rely on them more and more. It is frustrating and I also believe that keeping up this writing “thing” helps keep us sharper .. longer. If you hang in there, so will I!!!
You got a deal Helen. I am staying on board as long as the ship stays afloat… 🙂
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and so many medical issues, Rob! Your poem was very moving.
Thank you Merril. I lived a wild youth, so I guess it’s Karma… 😉
Beautifully written, Rob. You still have it. Some memeories fade with all of us, but you still have a sharp vision of what you hope to accomplish in the days ahead. Very well done my friend. Keep writing! love all your wonderful artwork as well.
Thank you so much Dwight. I appreciate your kindness my friend… 🙂
You are certainly still making incredible art and poetry so it appears the frustration is being well channeled into creative compost for the next bloom. All my best, poet’s should never go gently into that good night.
Thank you Anna. I will rage until I can no longer… 🙂
Dear Rob,
Great poem and powerful response to the struggle that life is giving you.
I am touched in several ways. First I hear you and I feel with you. Losing my mind is and was always a fear I have and probably always will have.
That’s why the movie “Paprika” resonated so well with me, in particular the parade; here a collage of those scenes:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lU4R53zyvv4&pp=ygUUcGFyYWRlIHBhcHJpa2Egc2NlbmU%3D
Your poem and on particular the third image brought this back and seem to be the directors instructions to those scenes (Even though this is impossible as the movie is older).
And we got that movie from a friend we lost at young age.
Wishing you strength and energy.
And looking forward to more inspiring poems and art!
Thank you Jan. I have not seen that movie. I will have to check it out. Appreciate the FYI… 🙂
Keep raging against the fading of your identity, through your writing and art. It is wonderful. You have a great determination…
still I look into the future
and every new day I try
to bring joy and to move forward
as will I do until I die
marching onward to that cadence
‘cause it’s my sweet fool’s parade
I will continue building memories
even as those memories fade
Keep building and I wish you strength as you continue to fight. Thankyou for sharing your personal journey!
Thank you Di. I will not surrender my creative mind with a fierce battle. Age and disease have taken my index and middle fingers on both hands from degenerative arthritis, so I can no longer create my Serenity Totem. My hearing and eyesight are failing, but I will always find a way to create, with whatever facilities I have available.
It can be frustrating, Rob, but you will not go gently! Your creativity will create roadblocks for memory loss. Keep writing, keep sharing…we are all here for you! ??
Thank you Punam, very much… 🙂