stain silken curtains soaked with gloom
ghosts of our love taunt – nevermore
chained by grief in this gilded tomb
sorrowful darkness does descend
the hands of chilling grief extend
forever’s knocking at the door
losing you I can’t comprehend
I’m drowning in my bitter tears
I am consumed by my worst fears
my soul is broken evermore
as my life’s meaning disappears
barter and pleading stain my lips
slip through my clutching fingertips
scatter useless across the floor
farther beyond your frail life slips
I’m shattered to my very core
it is for mercy I implore
let me delay that open door
to kiss your tender lips once more
This is an expanded and revised version of my poem “Far Beyond”. To further increase the imagery in the piece, an additional stanza was added to open the poem, and other minor revisions made. I still wanted there to be believable grief and sorrow, and bargaining – everything that would be a normal part of a deep love relationship when one of the partners departs this earth. At the same time, in the midst of grief, I wanted tenderness. He is distraught, but madly in love still – as he has been for years. This not an easy good bye. I chose the image of the dying rose, because even in its death it holds firmly to that which made it beautiful in life. Just as he tries to hold on to what was beautiful in their relationship. Bitter-sweet!
This poem is 8 syllables per line, exnctly the same as Robert Frost’s “Stopping By A Woods On A Snowy Evening”. The rhyme pattern to my piece here is: AABA CCBC DDBD EEBE BBBB
Click here to read Original version of this rubaiyat
Click here to read my “light filled” rubaiyat
Poetry Forms – The Rubaiyat
__________________________
__________________________
~
ghosts of our love taunt – nevermore
forever’s knocking at the door
my soul is broken evermore
scattered useless across the floor
I’m shattered to my very core
it is for mercy I implore
let me delay that open door
to kiss your tender lips once more
~ ~ ~
rob kistner © 2019
DAY 18
i liked the creativity with the B rhymes, a whole new poem and meaning there. the rhyme and meter flowed effortlessly. Well done!
Thank you Gina, very much. I’m glad you liked this revision of my original Rubaiyat. I am pleased you also liked its parsed derivative poem “Once More”. If you have not done so, I invite you to read the original version of this Rubaiyat entitled “Far Beyond”; as well as my complementary light-filled Rubaiyat entitled “Morning Magic”.
This is very creative Rob! I love your second poem as well. I really works so well. Such a sad love song of loss… could have been Shakespeare!
Thank you Dwight, very much. I have never been compared to Billy “S”! 🙂 I’m glad you liked this revision of my original Rubaiyat. I am pleased you also liked its parsed derivative poem “Once More”. If you have not done so, I invite you to read the original version of this Rubaiyat entitled “Far Beyond”; as well as my complementary light-filled Rubaiyat entitled “Morning Magic”.
I just read the two side-by-side and I think the addition of the first stanza adds to the mood and tone quite well. Also think your adjustment of the title line is a good choice – it flows better.
Regarding your little experimental poem at the bottom, I love when that happens! Sometimes I read a poem just by its end-words and if we have made them Pow words, it works the same way. Your creativity is terrific!
Thank you Jilly, I am pleased you liked the tweaks. The “B” rhyme line compilation was accidental. I happened to be reading them through and thought, “Hey, pretty cool!” 🙂
I thought this version was more of ghostly tale, as I thought of Poe immediately with the word “nevermore” and Annabel Lee with the lost love. You can feel the grief in both versions.
And so cool that you got that second poem!
Thank you Merril, Very cool that you picked up on the gothic essence of the sdditional imagery. I Was absolutely thinking Poe, and nevermore not only maintained the “B” line rhyme, but it brought the spirit of his “Raven” to the atmosphere. Yes, the second poem was a total surprise, not an intention… 🙂
A heart wrenching read. The second poem is remarkable too!
Thank you Petru, you are most kind, I appreciate your visit and your comment… 🙂
You’ve caught that attempt to bargain with death…which continues forever I think. Who can ever believe completely that a loved one is gone?
The condensed version works well too. Like a verse of a song. (K)
The denial, then the bargaining, then the despair. The frailty of human life is everpresent, but we tend to see it as something that happens to “them”… it is devestating Kerfe, when we learn the brutal lesson that we are also – “them”.
I liked your description and the final poem using only the B rhymes. It would also be a rubaiyat with AAAA rhyme scheme.
I also liked the delaying of the reunion at the end.
Thank you Frank! That second poem was an unintended result, but I liked it… 🙂
Your added opening eases in nicely. And the fine tuning … Excellent.
Glad it worked for you KeN… 🙂