(- SORROW -)
on this broken cloudy day
slips into the sea alone
silently she swims away
on this broken cloudy day
alone with her fractured wishes
silently she swims away
deep down with the fishes
alone with her fractured wishes
a’swim in the seabed’s sway
deep down with the fishes
she is leaving it all today
a’swim in the seabed’s sway
with nothing more left to say
she is leaving it all today
the sea carries her spirit away
________________________
on this bright and sunny day
slips into the sea alone
joyfully she swims away
on this bright and sunny day
with her heart awash in wishes
joyfully she swims away
down with the colorful fishes
with her heart awash in wishes
a’swim in the seabed’s sway
down with the colorful fishes
she is filled with love today
a’swim in the seabed’s sway
neptune’s beauty on bold display
she is filled with love today
letting her dreams carry her away
rob kistner © 2019
Links to my other 3 Pantoums:
1.) Pantoumadness
2.) Flame Of Learning
3.) Lady Blue
https://dversepoets.com/2019/02/28/18102/
I’m glad you put them that way round! I think they flow beautifully, both of them. I like the contrast – the same event seen through a different emotional prism. It reminded me a bit of an exercise I’ve seen with film music where they show the same scene with different background music.
The structure is lovely, it’s very graceful. I read your comment on the dVerse post saying you were worried it would seem forced, but I think you nailed it.
Thank you Sarah! I finally caught the rhythm of the form by employing the shorter lines, and it flowed quite comfortably. So I will be magnanimous and admit I enjoyed this write, and undervalued the pantoum form! 🙂 Yes, I felt leading with the sorrowful version was best. The joyful verson revealed itself to me gradually in the process of writing the darker one. I appreciate your gracious comment here Sarah…!
absolutely stunning, the use of repeated words throughout the pantoum reflects your sensitivity to words and how they can coax a heartfelt response. i see a mirror image of the two the way you have written this. the dark cloudy day reflected in the ocean’s twinkling surface, the depth of one increasing the expanse of the other. there is a mystical realism to this pantoum you have crafted, some hidden meanings and thoughts running ever so delicately, me the reader wants to know more, like the depths of the ocean, her secrets no one will really know. well done Rob on all levels!
Wow, thank you Gina! I am humbled by your gracious reaction to these two pantoums. They are the 3rd and 4th ones I’ve written in my 50+ years of writing. These have released me from that strong mental block I had harbored for many years. As I shared with Sarah, as I was writing the sorrowful version the joyful version kept shining through. That this happened was very surprising to me, and it shifted my long-held attitude about the form. So thank you again for proposing the pantoum. Thank you again as well for your generous compliment! 🙂
it was my pleasure to read a very creative take on the form
I am pleased you iked it Gina… 🙂
Rob, that is so cool that that happened. Sometimes writing poetry truly is magical!
I love the two versions, one of sorrow, the other joy. Very cool!
Thank you Sherry! 🙂
Sorrow and happiness side by side. Synchronized swimming. Love both of these!
Thank you Mary!
Rob, I see you have the hang of it now. You see, the muse wasn’t out to punish you after all 😉
I arm wrestled my muse into submission so I’d get a little inspiration Jade… 🙂
This is how it is, isn’t it? A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and all we have to do is swim between. Or is it, all we get to do?
Hi Manja! Didn’t exactly follow the relevance of your comment to this pair of pantoums, but thank you for visiting… ! 🙂
I like the mirrored nature of both poems. It reminds me of how nature can play tricks on us as our eyes are fooled by the reflective and refractive nature of large bodies of water. Great imagery throughout.
Thank you Barry, glad you liked these. Very cool that you presented the concept of reflection in water. Your poet’s mind in play… 🙂
The first one was so sad, it makes the second one all the brighter. A good reminder that any situation can be used for positive or negative.
There is Yin and Yang in everything Kerfe, it essentially depends on one’s intention.
Nice contrast! I too am glad you put them that way around.
Thank you Rosemary!
I apologize for the delay in getting to this. I’m SO behind on reading everything (and my own writing). 🙂
As others have said, the order of sorrow and then happiness really works, and I like how you take the same opening lines to come up with two different scenes. Very nice flow to these, too.
Also, I agree, poetry can be magical! 🙂
Thank you for visiting and reading Merril!